She’s Not a Mean Girl. She’s Climbing a Staircase
If you are the parent of a middle school girl, you likely know the feeling: The quiet car ride home after school, the buzzing phone late at night, the sudden shift in a friendship that seemed perfectly fine just days earlier.
By any measure, the middle school years can feel like emotional whiplash. One day your daughter is laughing with friends; the next, she is quiet in the car, staring out the window, unsure where she stands in a social group that seemed perfectly stable just hours earlier.
Adolescence is a time of enormous growth, but it is also a time when friendships can feel intense, complicated, and sometimes painful. For girls in particular, relationships sit at the center of their world. When those relationships are healthy, they are a powerful source of joy, belonging, and confidence. When they fracture, the impact can feel overwhelming.
For parents and educators, these moments can feel mysterious or even trivial. But to the girls living through them, friendship dynamics are central to their sense of identity, belonging, and emotional safety. Understanding what is happening beneath the surface of adolescent friendships, especially in an era of group chats and social media, can make the difference between simply enduring these years and helping girls emerge from them stronger.
Friendships — They Matter
In my role as a Middle School Division Head at an all-girls school, I witness daily just how powerful peer relationships are during adolescence. For many students, friendships are among the most influential relationships in their lives. They help shape identity, build – or sometimes challenge – confidence, and deeply affect a young person’s sense of belonging and emotional well-being. These relationships also influence how students experience school, including how connected they feel to the community and how engaged they are in their learning.
What adults sometimes dismiss as “middle school drama” or even “cattiness” is actually an important part of adolescence. These moments, messy as they can be, are where girls begin to learn some of the most important social skills of their lives: how to navigate conflict, repair mistakes, build trust, and negotiate relationships.
In middle school, friendships sit at the center of a girl’s world. They influence how she sees herself, how confident she feels, and whether she experiences a true sense of belonging. I see every day just how powerful these peer relationships can be.
One might assume that the girl surrounded by friends at the lunch table, the one who seems to be in the middle of everything, is the happiest, most connected, and most socially secure. But that assumption is not always true. A girl can be widely known, involved in co-curricular activities, and constantly surrounded by peers, yet still feel profoundly lonely. What protects young people is not popularity. It is an authentic connection and a genuine sense of belonging.
I was recently listening to a podcast featuring Dr. Mary Kaspar, a clinical psychiatrist. She spoke about something that resonated deeply with what I see every day in a middle school setting: adolescence is actually a high-risk period for loneliness. Girls can be surrounded by peers and still feel disconnected.
After listening, I began reflecting on the students in our own middle school community. I thought about the girls who might be labeled “popular” and those who would not hold that title. I thought about who seemed genuinely happy and who quietly expressed feelings of loneliness. And I began asking myself a simple question: What actually makes a girl popular?
Often the answer is a combination of things: appearance, involvement in visible activities (frequently athletics), and perhaps most importantly, social influence. The “popular” girl often has tremendous power within her social group. She may decide where everyone is sitting and what order everyone is sitting in, what game they play at break, or even set the emotional tone for the day.
But here is the question that stayed with me: Is she truly well-liked?
I’m not always so sure.
This is where things get tricky. Girls who engage in subtle social manipulation are often incredibly socially intelligent. They understand exactly how far they can go without getting into trouble. They know that no teacher or administrator is likely to call home because they rolled their eyes at someone, whispered behind a classmate’s back, or quietly removed an extra chair from a table so that “the weird one” has nowhere to sit.
Imagine that phone call.
“Hello Mrs. Smith, I’m calling to let you know your daughter gave another student a mean look today.”
Or perhaps:
“Your daughter moved a chair during group work so another student couldn’t sit down.”
The response would likely be understandable:
“You interrupted my work day to tell me my daughter looked at someone funny?”
Or perhaps:
“How do you know she wasn’t just making more room for the group?”
And the honest answer is that, technically, I cannot prove it with absolute certainty. Even if I could, I am not entirely sure it would rise to the level of something that is formally reportable. That remains unclear.
But when you work with middle school girls long enough, you learn to read the room. You see the subtle glances, the quiet shifts in body language, the moments when a student suddenly finds herself standing alone while the rest of the group closes ranks. And in those moments, you realize that the most powerful forms of exclusion are often the ones adults almost never see.
Mean Girls Aren’t Always Someone Else’s Child
This is the harder question – the one most parents understandably hope they never have to ask, but should. The first place to start is by listening. Really listening. Pay attention to the stories your daughter tells about school, sports, camp, or any place where groups of kids gather. Often the clues are hidden in the language she uses.
You might hear phrases like, “We don’t like her” or “We don’t sit with her.” These statements are usually followed by a justification:
“She likes sitting by herself.”
“We would let her sit with us, but there isn’t enough room.”
Listen carefully to the collective language, we. It can be a subtle signal of exclusion happening within a group.
A wise person once told me that a joke is only a joke if both people are genuinely laughing. That simple idea can be a powerful way to help your daughter reflect on her behavior. When she tells you she was “just joking,” try asking a gentle follow-up question:
“Did the other student laugh too?”
Often, the answer reveals far more than the original story. If the response is something like, “Not really…she didn’t think it was as funny as I did,” it may be important to pay attention to that signal.
Some additional questions or conversation starters might include: “Tell me about someone at school who might be having a hard time,” or “Have you ever felt left out at school?” The responses to these questions can offer meaningful insight. If your daughter cannot identify a single peer who is struggling or shares that she has never experienced being left out herself, it may be worth paying closer attention.
During adolescence, moments of exclusion, insecurity, or social difficulty are a nearly universal part of the middle school experience. A lack of awareness of those realities can sometimes reveal just as much as the stories she chooses to share.
The reality is that most girls are not going to openly tell their parents that they are behaving in ways that might hurt others. Instead, parents often have to take on the role of a quiet observer, almost like a detective, listening carefully, asking thoughtful questions, and paying attention to the small clues hidden in everyday stories. Those clues can tell us a great deal about what is really happening beneath the surface of adolescent friendships.
Another powerful step is simply to ask. But as I’ve mentioned in other articles, if you ask the question, you must be prepared to genuinely listen to the answer. Instead of asking casually, “My daughter isn’t one of the mean girls…right?” try asking something more thoughtful and specific:
“Does my daughter ever show relational aggression toward other students?”
This question often invites a more honest response and opens the door for a real conversation. But first it might be helpful to define what relational aggression is and what it might look like.
Pioneering researcher Dr. Nicki Crick of the University of Minnesota was among the first scholars to formally identify and name relational aggression as a distinct category of behavior in the 1990s. She defined relational aggression as a form of aggression in which an individual intentionally harms another through manipulation of, or damage to, their relationships, social status, or sense of belonging rather than through physical force.
As an educator, I will also say something that may surprise people: I do not actually believe most girls see themselves or even truly are “mean girls.” What I see instead are young adolescents who are deeply invested in social status. Many are trying to climb what feels like a very real social ladder.
Some girls do this quite successfully. They may hold tremendous influence within their peer group. They decide where everyone sits at lunch, what game is played during break, and often set the social tone for the day. These are often the girls people describe as “popular.”
But popularity does not necessarily mean kindness, happiness, or belonging.
In that same podcast, Dr. Mary Kaspar describes a powerful metaphor that perfectly captures what many adolescents experience: the staircase. In this model, social life is viewed as a competition. There are only a few spots at the top, and the only way to move up is to push someone else down. This image feels remarkably accurate.
When people imagine “mean girls,” they often picture dramatic moments, public humiliation, obvious teasing, or cruel social media posts. But that is not what I most often see. Instead, it is far more subtle: the eye roll when someone speaks, the quiet snicker that spreads across the table, the turning of a back that signals someone is no longer welcome in the conversation.
These moments are easy to miss, but their impact can be profound. Just because a girl is not openly cruel does not mean she is not participating in behaviors that hurt others. Relational aggression is quiet, sophisticated, and often invisible to adults but it can deeply affect another student’s sense of belonging. Which is exactly why it deserves our attention.
The Lesson You Don’t Know You’re Teaching
When we whisper about a neighbor, gossip about a colleague, or roll our eyes at someone on television, our daughters are watching. They notice far more than we realize, and the way we speak about others quietly teaches them how to move through the world.
I had the gift of attending an all-girls school growing up, an experience that not only resulted in being a bridesmaid more times than I can count, but also surrounded me with a lifetime of strong, thoughtful, and deeply kind women. Those friendships and role models shaped how I think about community, loyalty, and the responsibility we have to lift one another up.
Of course, we all share stories in private spaces. That is part of being human. But it is important to remember that younger girls are watching how we handle those moments. They are learning from us, how we speak, how we respond, and how we treat other women.
As the grown women in their lives, it is our responsibility to set the tone. Instead of tearing down someone’s reputation or commenting on a new haircut with a raised eyebrow, we have the opportunity to choose something better. We can choose kindness. We can choose generosity. And sometimes, we can simply choose not to say anything at all.
Questions for parents to consider:
– Do I speak kindly about people I disagree with?
– Do I model how to repair a conflict rather than avoid or punish it?
– Am I inadvertently rewarding social status over kindness?
Another approach I have found effective with parents, and one my own mother modeled beautifully, was simply not giving space to drama. My mom never allowed school drama to take center stage in our home, especially when it revolved around unkind or unproductive behavior. If the story involved gossip, exclusion, or mean-spirited dynamics, it simply was not something she entertained.
While there are now well-researched parenting strategies that echo this approach, I am not sure my mom was following any particular framework. She simply chose not to give it oxygen. She did not indulge the play-by-play of who said what to whom, and without that audience, the drama lost its power.
As a result, the noise of middle school social dynamics stayed where it belonged, in the background. My focus shifted instead to the friendships that were real and meaningful. I did not have a revolving door of friends, because my energy was invested in the people who truly mattered.For that reason, I often remind parents that repeatedly asking their daughters for updates on “seventh-grade drama” can unintentionally keep that drama alive. Sometimes the most powerful response is simply refusing to give it the stage.
Redefining Success in Friendship
Ultimately, the goal for young people is not to climb a social ladder, but to build meaningful relationships grounded in trust, kindness, and mutual respect.
That shift – from competition to connection – can change the entire landscape of adolescence.
When girls learn that belonging does not require pushing others down, when they understand the difference between status and genuine respect, and when they know they have a safe place to land at home, the turbulence of adolescence becomes something different. It becomes a training ground for empathy, resilience, and character. And those lessons will last far longer than any middle school popularity contest ever could. ❦
Resources:
https://momsoftweensandteens.com/the-popular-girls-how-to-help-your-daughter-seek-healthy-friendships/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7789197/
